The Obvious

My friends point out to me all of the time how Molly runs this house. I know that. It is obvious that is the case but I cannot help myself. I cannot help but laugh at the things she does when she is asserting herself either.

Last night is a good example. I am getting ready to go to bed and I look over at the bed and Molly has already ensconced herself on my side with her head laying on my pillow and all stretched out like that was the way it was supposed to be. I lightly scold her, telling her she knows better, and I pat the other side of the bed with my hand and tell her to move over. She looks at me with the utmost contempt on her face, stands up, turns in a complete circle, and lays back down exactly the way she was before she got up. I couldn't help but laugh. After a little more forceful encouragement, she finally moved over and we both got some sleep.

Special Delivery From Molly

I was walking Molly this morning and she took a dump right beside my neighbors mailbox. I don't have any regrets about her doing this and I have a good reason.

This particular neighbors dogs are always taking a dump in my yard and they have three of them. I looked out my window the other afternoon and their Lhasa Apso Ginger is taking a dump in my flower bed right beside my Maple tree. Gingers owner is watching her do this while yelling at her to get out of my yard. Nice try but it was too late. Molly's policy has always been "fight doo-doo with doo-doo" and taking a healthy one before the mailman comes for the day is a much more effective way of getting our point across.

Several friends have taken issue with me and Molly doing this and one of them suggested that I take a "pooper scooper" with me so I can clean up after her. I really like that idea because I can scoop it up, open the door to their mailbox, and make a special delivery from Molly and we'll take care of the postage. I wonder if it is a federal offense to deliver doo-doo?

Eating The Good Stuff

I made the "mistake" of buying Molly some of the good food the other day and after a couple of days of turning her nose up at it, I think she is beginning to like it. I think slapping her bowl into the middle of the kitchen floor signifies some upturned nostrils. I had always bought her the Wal-Mart brand (Ol' Roy) before and she was content with it.

Any dog food is not her first choice anyway. Pizza crust is number one, followed by biscuits, and anything with meat in it or meat by itself. This new dog food is Purina brand and it has the Zip Loc feature so you can seal the bag to keep it fresh and the nice foil lining inside the bag. I have always gone by the motto "nothing is too good for the dog" and Molly has always endorsed that policy. This particular food is labeled "healthy weight" and if Molly needs anything as far as canine cuisine goes, it is healthy weight. She is getting kind of portly in her golden years and I assume full responsibility for that. Molly believes that if she has to go on a diet then I should go on one too but exactly who is the master here and who is the dog? A bowl of "healthy weight" dog food coming right up!

Molly The Psychic

I finally figured out this afternoon that Molly can tell who is driving down the road or into my driveway by the way she reacts. If it is someone she knows and likes, she lets out several mini-barks that sound like "wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh" and if they pull in the driveway, she gets really still and listens intently for the car to turn off and the car door to shut signifying that the driver got out of the car. She then pokes her head through the curtains and to she sees them in person and she starts the mini-barks again and running around in circles.

If it is someone she doesn't like, like my family or anybody that works for UPS and drives the big brown truck, she starts barking furiously and immediately runs to the window and lets them hear about it. Not bad for a guard dog.

Porky Pig

Molly and I were sitting outside enjoying the shade the other afternoon when I see what I originally thought was a pig that had gotten loose in my neighborhood and had wandered into my neighbor's back yard. I found out later that my neighbor's were dog sitting for their son's Australian Shepherd but it looked like a super-sized version of a pot belly pig with the emphasis on pot belly.

This poor animal was just fat. They live about two houses down and he saw us out in the backyard so he started meandering his way towards us. About halfway to my house, the dog was panting so hard he passed out under my next door neighbors trampoline for about 15 minutes before he could finish the trek to my lawn chair.

He stopped long enough to let me pet him for a few minutes and I am pretty sure Molly told him what a tub of goo he was (a John Kruk reference). He was a friendly dog but after a few minutes of petting, he waddled off to parts unknown and that has been the last I have seen of him.

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty doesn't have anything on Molly. This dog can sleep anytime, anywhere. She can sleep on my bed, the couch, the floor, the closet, the kitchen floor, the bathroom floor, and her bed and anywhere else she can plop her 60 pound body. It doesn't matter.

She also has the most vivid dreams of any dog I have ever had. She is having one right now. She runs in her sleep, she growls, she barks, and she occasionally wags her tail. I wonder if her imagination is that vivid when she is awake?

Today Is Her Birthday

Today is Molly's 9th birthday and she is only getting better with age. I remember the day we picked her up from the Pound (Molly is a Pound puppy and is proud of her roots). I wanted a puppy real bad and that was the first place we went.

We walked around to where the cages were at and there was about 25 dogs in one large cage. Molly was just about the smallest dog in there but she was diving over the top of all of the other dogs to get to me. I used to go with my father when he went to pick a bird dog out of a litter and I remember him telling me to always pick the dog that craves the attention because they will be easier to train. It was Molly's last day there and she only had 5 minutes left.

We had taken a box to put her in because we did not know how she would handle riding in a car. On the way home I had to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident and she went tumbling across the floorboard of the car. I figured she would never get back in another car after that experience but she loves to take road trips. All I have to do is ask her if she wants to go for a ride and she heads straight to the car.

Molly just wants a nice, quiet celebration for her birthday mainly because she does not like to many other people but she has received well wishes throughout the day. She doesn't do party hats and something tells me she would be really mean with a hangover so booze is out. I will take her for a birthday ride later.

Molly's Cute And Cuddly Neighbors

Last night some of Molly's cute and cuddly neighbors came to visit. A Scottie named Max, a Lhasa Apso named Ginger, and a Pomeranian that I always call the mini-Lion King.

I had Molly out in the front yard and here comes Max charging over from two houses away. The owner starts yelling after it but it doesn't bother me any because the Scottie does not have an aggressive bone in his body, he just wants to play. He comes up to Molly, they have a stare down and Max starts running around. Ginger runs up next, they have a brief stare down, and she does a belly flop in front of Molly looks up at her and starts yipping. The whole scene was so unbelievable cute. The mini-Lion King was taking a dump at the house across the street and is fairly unsociable anyway.

I don't think Molly appreciated the cuteness but as a dog owner and a dog lover, I did. I just wish I could have gotten pictures. They just wanted to play and make friends. Molly was really straining at the leash by this time because she wanted to assert her dominance but this was when I decided she needed a time out.

Molly and NASA

I think dogs should be an integral part of NASA and the space program and I would like to recommend Molly to charter the program. Today while I was out with her taking our afternoon walk, she had to stop and whiz on one of "her" bushes. After she is finished she has to do her scratch routine where she throws grass, rocks, and debris all over the place marking that as her bush.

Some of the neighbors dogs saw what was going on and started barking at her. The more they barked, the harder she scratched, and before it was over, Molly had achieved lift off. It was actually impressive that a dog that is still packing her "winter weight" from last winter can get that high off the ground. I would love to see Molly sleep in a weightless environment such as space and I bet her farts would really be impressive in a weightless environment.

Even A Firefly Needs Five Across The Lips

For whatever reason Molly has been in a brawling mood lately. I don't know if it is because she turns 9 years old on Friday or what but she has been awful ornery here for the past week or so.

During our power outage the other night, I decided to go old school for my entertainment. I put Molly in her lot, dragged out a Citronella candle to keep the bugs at bay, set up my lawn chair, grabbed me a book, and I was ready to wait out Duke Energy. I couldn't completely give up my electronic devices so I made a few phone calls on my cell (one was to Duke Energy) and I went back into the house to grab a drink. I discovered the power was back on so I went back outside to retrieve Molly.

The scene that greeted me was right out of Friday night at the fights. Molly was squared off against a firefly and she also decided to go old school. She brought back Muhammad Ali's old "Rope-A-Dope" defensive boxing strategy from the opening bell and was dodging, bobbing, and weaving like her life depended on it. The firefly was hovering in front of her and everytime Molly would make a move, it would light up and chase Molly back into her corner. Molly finally went with Fred G. Sanford's "Five Across The Lips" offense and knocked it out of the air with one quick but deadly swipe of her paw. That was when I opened the cage door and stopped the fight with a ten count. Molly retained her championship belt and is still the Josiah Lane title holder.

Wrestling For Fudge Rounds

The other night I was walking through the house and I was trying to get the adult proof plastic wrapper off a Fudge Round Little Debbie snack cake. As soon as I set the Fudge Round free from its plastic prison, it staged a jailbreak on its own from my hands. It popped up into the air and I managed to corral it one time but then it escaped from my hands again and hit the bedroom floor.

Molly was laying on the bed watching all of the action unfold and when she saw the Fudge Round flying through the air she started springing into action. As much as an overweight, slightly beyond middle age dog can spring anyway.

I grew up watching Mid-Atlantic Championship wrestling in the Gibbs household. Rick Flair got his start there as well as several other big name wrestlers. We even had some tremendous family bouts of our own complete with our own moves. I will never forget my Dad's patented combination Head Scissors/Fart In Your Face move that was designed to render you unconscious and my own patented move The Double Titty Twister and the Flying Double Butt Kick. The Double Titty Twister was a tap out move if there ever was one.

Anyway, me and Molly both dove for the Fudge Round at the same time and the wrestling match for the ages was on. I led with the Head Lock and administered several short left jabs to the jaw. Molly decided to cheat from the opening bell and just started biting me in as many locations as she could. Since this was an unsanctioned match there was no referee and she was able to get away with it. I had to sacrifice my body and throw it on top of the Fudge Round. The battle was short and violent and there was much blood spilled and declared a Draw with the real loser being the Fudge Round. It was beaten beyond recognition. Molly and I both retired to our separate locker rooms to lick our wounds and wait for a rematch.

The Massage Therapist

A few years ago Molly started having trouble with one of her hips. I took her to the vet and everything and he said he really didn't see anything structurally wrong so maybe it was arthritis or something. Her hip got so bad, it was to the point where she would hobble along and wouldn't put any weight on it at all. She even collapsed in our neighbor's yard one time on one of our walks. That really scared me because she curled up in a ball and just laid there and looked at me like "I just can't go on. Try and make it without me."

I decided to take matters in to my own hands and I started massaging her back leg/hip area. At first I was surprised she let me but that meant I must be doing something right. Molly so enjoyed them that she began backing up to me and holding out her back leg for me to massage. She would start to stretch out her back leg as I massaged. It must have really helped her because she was back to normal within a couple of weeks but I still give her those leg massages. Molly never was one for those doggie day spas.

The Anticipation

I was out walking Molly this afternoon and I saw one of my neighbors pull into his driveway about two houses down and I heard a crescendo of barking from his front porch. They have a screened in front porch and that allows their dogs to stay outside for the most part during the day. They have three "ankle biters" but as soon as they saw him, you could hear the excited yips and see three tails wagging because their owner was home.

That made me think about Molly and how happy she is to see me when I get home at the end of my day. As soon as I walk in the front door you can hear her thumping against the bedroom door wanting out. Since its summer I always come in and change clothes before I take her out and she usually waits patiently for me by the door. When she knows we are definitely going out, she will jump up and tap my hand with her nose and she has such a happy look of anticipation on her face, kind of like a child gets at Christmas.

She really gets excited when I take her for a ride in the car. She hops up on the back seat, props her paws up on the middle console and she is ready to ride. She especially loves road trips.

Sleep Habits

About two weeks ago, I started noticing that Molly would rather sleep on the floor than sleep at the foot of the bed like she used to do. Molly is a very sound sleeper for a dog and if she is in a deep sleep, its best that I don't even nudge her because she wakes up mean. She wakes up snarling and snapping and God knows I do not want to get any body parts in the way.

I am a very "active" sleeper to say the least. I toss and turn and thrash my legs and arms around. I guess Molly got tired of being beat on and kicked all night long and she decided her pet bed is actually pretty comfortable.

Now when I get up in the mornings, she jumps right up on the bed and makes herself comfortable so that kind of clued me in that she might be trying to tell me something.

A Responsibility And A Privilege

Owning a dog is a responsibility and a privilege but unfortunately, anybody can go get a dog. Nobody usually asks for references, you don't have to take an IQ test, and you get walk right out the door with them to basically do whatever you please.

I really hate to see good dogs go to waste. They are not given any attention, they are turned loose to run the neighborhood and get hurt or get into trouble and the owner thinks they have done nothing wrong. A dog needs love, attention, and a sense of belonging and they don't ask for much.

Physical Limitations

I have always wondered if a dog knows when it is a bad idea to physically do something. I am 45 years old now and I have pretty well realized that I cannot go out and play pick-up basketball five days a week without having to pay a serious price in physical pain and agony. I don't even think I could do it one day a month now but every once in a while I start feeling pretty spry and I go out and do something stupid like that and I pay for it-in blood, sweat, and tears.

Molly used to have this routine where she would run through the house as fast as she could go bouncing off the couch, the bed, and sometimes me and just doing it for 5 minute stretches until she decided to stop. She would circle the furniture or whatever other obstacle used to be in her way and slide through the kitchen like she was on ice skates. It was like running suicides from one end of the house to another.

She hardly ever does that any more and I have often wondered if she realized she is not a young pup any more and just can't do it. She did it about a month ago but that was the first time in forever. Me and my best friend Molly get to grow old together and that is one of natures perks I guess. We just give each other that knowing look that we could used to do it with the best of them and thats all we need.

A Storm To Remember

This afternoon we had a hailstorm like no other I have ever been thru before. It had been thundering off in the distance for a while but I didn't really pay it any attention until the satellite went out and I couldn't see the last ten minutes of Walker, Texas Ranger and Chuck Norris whooping some bad guys ass.

About ten minutes later the first ice missile hit the side of the house. I opened the front door to see what was going on and that was about the time all "hail" broke loose. It was hitting the house so hard I sounded like I was in the middle of a giant popcorn popper. The last time I looked out the door, bits and pieces of trees were flying by the house, the wind was starting to pick up speed, and the trees in the front yard were laying on their side.

That was when I decided Molly and I were going to seek cover in the bedroom closet in the middle of the house. She was running around barking and sounding the alarm and I finally got her calmed down and into the closet. As soon as we got in there, Molly was perfectly calm and serene and curled up in a ball and went to sleep at my feet. Thats how you weather a storm.

I have never been thru a tornado before but I cannot imagine it sounding much worse. The hailstorm probably lasted 20-30 minutes and after it was over, I went outside and looked around. Molly's lot outside took a beating (she immediately wanted to file an insurance claim) and all of my trees, plants, and flowers received some major damage. Molly went with me to look around and she was surprised. She didn't know what to make of the hail.

You Can't Replace The Dog

A friend of mine sent me a text message this afternoon and told me her house had been broken into and robbed on Memorial Day. The thieves had stolen a camera and some of her Mother's jewelry and one of the first questions I asked was did they hurt your dog Max? Luckily the answer was no and Max was fine, probably just scared a little bit. A robbery is a robbery. You feel a sense of violation and of course it is a personal loss but the dog was alright.

I have always said that if you have to steal something, then steal it, but don't hurt my dog. I would rather my dog hide under the bed than get hurt protecting my stuff. Hurting my dog is a sure fire way to piss me off and lead to your ultimate demise. Posessions can be replaced. Family heirlooms like jewelry is much harder and may never be replaced but the potential is there.

You can also get another dog but a dog can never be replaced. It will never be the same dog. You can get the same breed but it will never be the same dog. Each dog has a unique personality all their own. Molly and I know each other so well. She knows what I want and I know what she wants. If we want the same thing, its usually never at the same time, but its all good.