The Gordie Howe Hat Trick

In hockey a "Gordie Howe Hat Trick" is when a player scores a goal, has an assist, and gets into a fight. Molly had a version of the canine hat trick the other night. She got into a rumble with two Pugs that live up the street, she took a dump in the neighbor's yard (the man deserved it), but she did make a new human friend. The two Pugs did not realize there was a new dog in the 'hood but they found out quickly that someone else was in charge. I did not let Molly get any farther than woofing and barking at them but she told them off and they did not return. The neighbor was teasing Molly by trying to meow like a cat (what a dumbass) but what he doesn't realize is that Molly's hearing is about gone and she did not hear a thing. I still felt like a little payback was in order and Molly does have a thing for mailboxes.

Home At Last

Not that Molly and I did not enjoy our stay and appreciate the hospitality of Maggie and her family for the three weeks that we had to stay there, but Molly believes that there is no place like home. We have much more room to roam over here and Molly loves a good walk. In order to show her appreciation for the hospitality, Molly left a big pile by the mailbox before we pulled out of the driveway this morning. Nothing says "thank you" like a big smelly one in a high traffic area. Molly and I promptly took a walk to the creek when we got back home and she had to re-christen all of the high traffic areas on our property. It is great to be an owner of a dog. You get to watch your dog do all of the things you wish you could get away with.

Driving Miss Molly

I am writing this post as Molly has decided to sleep in this morning and that is a rare occasion for her so I am going to let her sleep as long as she wants to. While our house is under "renovation", we have spent a lot of time on the road shuttling back and forth between houses. Luckily for me, Molly enjoys riding but a trip every day is starting to wear her out so we are both going to kick back and relax today. Molly is getting the hang of riding again and she is getting much better at all of the starting and stopping I have to do. She has learned to anticipate when I am stopping and starting and she braces herself accordingly. She has learned how to lean into the curves and she gets into that. She takes a spill in the back sat once in a while and me stopping the car to help her back to her feet has all become part of driving Miss Molly.

The Pooh Analogy

Winnie the Pooh lived in Hundred Acre Wood and Molly and I live on only five acres and in order to give it a name, I guess we will call it Laurel Creek Woods. We have several characters in our woods although not quite as colorful as Winnie the Pooh's but all characters nonetheless. Sammy the Bear is the most recognizable personality (it is always the bear), Gehrig the Groundhog would have to be next and probably the most frequent visitor, the squirrels which are too many to name, a couple of chipmunks that make a very rare appearance, some uninvited snakes, a covey of different birds, and the Peregrine falcons. We probably have the most interaction with the squirrels and they are quite personable and keep an eye out for us.

Not Leaving Me Out

Two adult people on a twin sized mattress is bad enough but throw in a 55 pound dog (she has still got her winter weight on) and cozy does not even begin to describe it. However- suffocating, claustrophobic, I felt like one of the Three Stooges in a phone booth, a sardine in a can, and there are numerous others- does begin to describe it. With the Three Stooges reference, Molly would have to be Moe, my girlfriend would have to be Larry, and I would have to be Curly (nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!) Them again, Molly could somehow manage to root me out of a king size bed.

The Open Road

Molly and I love the open road but I don't think anyone is ever going to confuse us with Easy Rider or anything. Several years ago the rock band Eve 6 wrote a song called "The Open Road Song." The song opens with the line that I thought was perfect for me and Molly as we hit the open road this afternoon- "Tonight I feel ambitious and so does my foot as it sinks on the pedal." I decided to take a different route to mine and Molly's temporary lodging tonight and not go through town but hit the highway instead of going through town. It took me about five or six miles out of my way but it was much easier on Molly and that made it well worth it. All of the starting and stopping through town is very tough on Molly and there is not as much of that on the highway. Molly enjoyed putting her face in the crack of the window and putting her head to the window.

Follow The Pizza

Since I have moved away from town and out into the country, there are no pizza places that deliver to my house which has greatly upset Molly. The other day we were hanging out at my girlfriend's house when her son walked in carrying two Little Caesar's pizza boxes. The smell of the fresh pizza kind of grabbed Molly and lifted her up onto her feet and pointed her in the direction of his room. She followed along behind him and stood in the doorway to his room waiting to be offered her cut of the pirate's booty (so to speak). She prefers the crust. She did everything but the Snoopy Dance to get his attention. Unfortunately for Molly, that offer never came but at least she got to smell that pizza.

Location, Location, Location

In Molly's World it is about the same as it is in real estate, it is all about location, location, location. Molly strategically places herself in a location where there is the most pedestrian traffic. That allows her to get the most attention as people trip over her, walk around her, and completely avoid her. Her favorite location is in the doorway between the kitchen and the dining room. She maximizes the attention she receives and she also might get some scraps thrown her way or pick up a crumb or two. She is living the life.

Molly Dee-Oh-Double Gee

I finally figured out what Molly's rapper name should be. She has the bad attitude of a rapper, she could have a posse if she wanted one, and she does like the bling. I see Molly as more of a Queen Latifah type than I do anyone else. Molly has been livin' large all of these years in anonymity and now her diva personality is taking over.
Who can lick her butt and do the sit and spin,
she'll be done in just a min,
who else can it be?
It's Molly Dee-Oh-Double Gee!

Road Rage

I will admit that Molly and I have had a few incidents of road rage before. I get pissed at the occasional driver who does something stupid and careless and Molly gets mad at the dog in the other car. Nothing will get me madder than when the other driver does something careless when I have Molly in the car. We were already in one accident last summer. Yesterday afternoon I had Molly in the car and two drivers decided to pull out in front of me at various times on my way to my destination. I don't know if it is because my car looks like the sole survivor of a demolition derby or what but how about showing a little respect for the dog. The other drivers got a "great cussin'" as my grandfather liked to say even if they did not get to hear it. Molly threw in a few "woofs" and threatened to stick her paw in some ass and the cussin' was complete.

Molly: Mole Hunter

Molly may be an old dog but she can still sniff out a mole with the best of them. I can't decide if she should be "The Mole Hunter" or "The Mole Patrol." I like the marketing possibilities of the Mole Patrol better. I took her to one of the local parks this morning and she immediately sniffed one out and started digging. I turned into Elmer Fudd again. I need to buy one of those great hunting hats that Elmer wore but Molly and I do have an agreement: No guns. I wouldn't shoot one anyway but I believe even a .22 bullet would obliterate a poor, helpless mole. Molly and I are in disagreement on my "no kill" policy but she gets one by me once in a while.

A Real Bed Versus The Pet Bed

I dragged out Molly's old pet bed the other day and put it in my room so she could have a choice of where to sleep. I put it in the floor at the foot of the bed and she must have thought I brought it out for myself. She barely glanced at it as she dragged herself onto my bed and assumed her position. Her position is stretched out in the middle of the bed while she hogs all of the pillows. The pet bed went right back into storage and will be donated to an animal shelter where it will be used and greatly appreciated. It is not that Molly did not appreciate it but she likes to help out the less fortunate dogs out there.

Molly's Version Of The Road Trip

This is mine and Molly's road trip in Molly's words: Oh boy, Dan is getting out his suitcase and laying it on the bed. I will hop up on the bed and casually lay across his suitcase so he doesn't forget me. He is putting his clothes in. Hey, don't forget my new leash and collar you got me. He is putting some food in the cooler. Pack my treats while you are at it. He is taking the whole bag of dog food and he is putting the treats with it. Dan is a good guy. I have trained him well. A suitcase, a whole bag of dog food.... We are going to be gone a while. He is packing the car so I better make sure he trips over me a couple of times so he doesn't forget me. He is getting the leash....

Oh boy! I am going on the road trip with him! Snoopy dance! (I dance more like Dan which is not a pretty sight). He wants me to use the bathroom before I get in his car. I will pee in his shoes if he wants me to. I will leave a little piss by the walkway so everyone know I am still around... He must think he is talking to a puppy. I am getting in the front seat. He must think he is driving Miss Daisy. One more red light.... Woof! Look at that dog in that other car! Who does he think he is!? Woof! Hey fool! You better slow that car down! Don't come driving down through here like you crazy! This is a neighborhood, this ain't no residential district! Let me outta this car! Woof! Woof! Your mother was a mutt!!

We are here.... I need to go mark a few spots so everyone knows I have arrived. There's Maggie.... She lets me do whatever I want. Maggie always likes it when I give her a big kiss after I have licked my butt... I am going to enjoy it here.

Road Trip With Molly

Molly and I got to take a rare road trip the other day even if it was only across town. We are also going to be there for about five days. Molly never seems to feel comfortable when we go somewhere to stay but she prefers being with me than staying in a kennel so she will take this one for the team. She always knows when I pull out the suitcase that we are going somewhere and she gets all excited. She just loves taking a ride. Molly is consistently underfoot when I am trying to pack the car like I am going to forget my most prized possession.

Got It!

Molly and I had to take our walk in the dark this morning. All of the creatures of the night were still out at that time and I am always on the look out for the creepy crawlers and all of the hairier creatures that can slap all of the ass off of us. Luckily we didn't see any of those kind of creatures but a mole had the misfortune of running right into Molly. In Molly's World, the animals usually do not deliver themselves so it caught me and Molly by surprise but Molly reacted much quicker than I did. The mole didn't last long and it took a few minutes for me to convince her to drop it. Molly did not consider that fair because she had killed it fair and square but mole breath can be deadly in its own right.

Molly Wants A Cracker

I do not know where the whole thing of "Polly wants a cracker" originated but Molly enjoys a good cracker once in a while. She is very fond of Ritz crackers but she will still take a soda cracker or two if I am eating a bowl of soup. I researched the phrase Polly wants a cracker and it's origins date back to the early 1800's, possibly sooner. No one seems to be able to pinpoint the exact date or instance but Molly and I will take credit for starting the dog version of that phrase.

A Balancing Act

Every once in a while, Molly will finally find the perfect spot to do her business but the problem is that it is on the side of a hill or an embankment. Watching her trying to figure out how to prop herself up at an angle is funny. She usually uses the tripod approach, using two feet to anchor herself down with her foot in the back and one free foot to use for balance. She has yet to fall over or to roll down the hill. She could have a doggie training video on YouTube on how to pull this off. Someone once said "Sometimes it takes a rock and a feather to achieve balance."

Asleep By My Feet

I always had a romantic vision of when I got older of me sitting in an easy chair with a dog asleep by my feet ready to spring to their feet on my command. I thought of that image this afternoon when Molly was sleeping by my feet. As far as springing to her feet on my command? Molly has never been the "fetch my slippers" or "bring the newspaper" kind of dog. She believes that if I wanted those sorts of things, I should have hired a maid. She will bring me her leash so we can go on walks and I am alright with that. I was telling my physical therapist the other day that I walked my dog six or seven times a day and her response was that her dogs would be jealous of that kind of a walking schedule. I have the time now and I am going to do it as long as Molly and I are able.

Down Wind

My father always got irritated with his bird dogs because they would always run way out in front of him and take a real smelly one and then he would have to smell it for about one hundred yards. I always thought it was funny. That is until Molly did it to me last night. Flowers were wilting, flies were dropping out of the air, and the neighbors started complaining. It was that bad/good. Molly was proud of it and a few of her dog buddies came by to admire it. She did not eat anything unusual. She just had her dog treats and her food. I need to change dog food and treats.

On A Roll

Molly was feeling her oats today and that is always a beautiful thing to see especially at her age. We are going through another spell of cold weather and that seems to always get Molly fired up. At one point this afternoon she even jogged around the house. She must have wanted out six or seven times today. I will take her out as many times as she wants even if I have to crawl through the front yards and the woods. It is a beautiful thing.

Dog Proverbs

Dogs have long been associated with wisdom. I decided to do some research on dog proverbs and just about every language and culture has a proverb that is associated with dogs. There were a few that caught my immediate attention. There is a Latin proverb that says "Beware of a silent dog and still water." Molly is rarely silent because if she does not like someone, she is very vocal about it. There is a Russian proverb that says "If you are a host to your guest, be a host to his dog also." Molly and I are usually a package deal. There is an Italian proverb that states "Those who will sleep with dogs will rise with fleas." Molly resented that one because she does not have fleas.